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Ok, so we’re a little late on this. But hey — at least you’ve got until October now, right? An awesome friend shot me a link to a post over on the Highland Woodworking blog carrying a list — actually, a really well-thought-out list — of stuff around the shop that’d help you in an apocalyptic zombie attack. (The post seems to be a response to the CDC recommendations — no, really — that prove once and for all that the CDC does indeed have a sense of humor.)

Besides tagging Festool’s contractor first aid kit as an obvious choice, they recommend the lathe skew chisel, cordless drill (w/spade bit), and cordless recip as primary anti-zombie weapons, and note that Japanese cut-off saws would work great for hand-to-hand combat. One maybe-not-so-good option, though, is a chain saw, as TM reader Dreamcatcher points out in my favorite comment so far this week:

“Sure they seem cool and you can’t make a zombie movie without one but in reality would you want to rely on a chainsaw for personal defense? They are often undependable to start on the first pull, they use fuel at a rapid pace, and while they’ll cut some flesh they don’t really cut “mushy” things all that well (ever cut a punk log?).”

Notice as well that the first comment on the Highland post suggests a Paslode framing nailer with the safety disabled for “better standoff distance.” Funny note about that: After shooting this much-maligned video to explain how the Paslode works (following the 900th time someone asked us in email), we tried like hell to get it to shoot a nail into something from any distance. We discovered two things: 1) That’s a really thorough safety, and 2) you really, really, wouldn’t want to depend on this thing for ranged defense. Just sayin’.

(Thanks, mangpages, for the great CC-licensed photo. And thanks “Vels” for the awesome heads-up on the story.)

What’s in Your Zombie Apocalypse Tool Kit? [Highland Woodworking]
EPR Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse [CDC]


12 Responses to Tool Advice For The Zombie Apocalypse

  1. Dreamcatcher says:

    I probably shouldn’t be admitting this but I once shot a client’s chicken with a nail gun from about 20 feet away.

    No, I didn’t kill the chicken – I didn’t even stick a nail into it. But I scared it enough that it quit poking his evil little chicken beak in my way. So, I suppose a nail gun might be a good weapon for warding off easily scared zombies… or at least zombie chickens.

    I should note that I already had lots of prior experience with nail guns to know that they aren’t good long range weapons. Although I’m sure it isn’t the manufacturer’s recommended jamb clearing method, anyone who has ever pulled back the safety and fired rapidly at the wall to clear a jamb knows the nails just spin and bounce.


  2. Kyle says:

    How about an old direct acting ramset, load it with .22 lR and fire at will

  3. G says:

    Safety goggles, thick gloves, protective jackets/aprons/whathaveyou, and of course canvas/denim pants and boots. Head protection. Any time they break the skin you get infected, so whatever you have to make that less probable is your friend. I’ve got a welding jacket and gardening gloves, I think they’d help at least some. Welding gloves would probably be too unwieldy.

    Do you have a baseball bat handy to your shop? Why not? 🙂 It’s about the ideal weapon against zombies: doesn’t have a tricky start, doesn’t jam, doesn’t need reloading or refueling, won’t get hung up in a zombie body the way something with a blade might. Everybody should have a baseball bat handy!

    If not a bat, perhaps a hammer. Shovel. Something with a longish handle that can be used to bludgeon repeatedly without getting stuck. You’ll want other tools that don’t need fuel, too; in the event of a zombie attack you’re probably not going to have access to gas or electricity. Hatchets, saws, clamps, vices. Things to disconnect the zombie’s brain from its spinal cord, and to hold it still while you do. Guns and drills are fine as long as you have bullets and power, but you’re going to need those unfueled tools eventually.

  4. G has the right idea. Blunt will probably be better than sharp. How about a big-ass axe handle? Half a post-hole digger?

    I always admire the roofing hammer with the hatchet on the back, made for splitting cedar shakes, and think about how satisfying it would be to sink it between some zombie’s eyes. But I worry it would get stuck, I would get a lot of zombie blood on me, and by the time I was close enough to split his face, he’d be close enough to kill me back.

    I say keep them at a distance, and crush skulls.

    Maybe a plumb bob on parachute cord swinging around could be useful.

  5. Brau says:

    I keep a couple 40’s era large and heavy machetes nearby, plus an old double bladed axe, and an eerie looking sling blade (Kaiser), just in case Zombies attack … and because they look great on display.

  6. Jon G. says:

    +1 for weaps that don’t require electric power or ammunition. A good axe or godevil should render zombies either decapitated or at least mildly incapacitated.

  7. Dreamcatcher says:

    I display some of my knife collection stuck into the window sills of the four windows in my shop. So, I have about 40 cutlery options available.

    I also have my fireplace tools nearby including my custom carved machete, my poker that I custom fabricated from some 3/4″ rebar, and an Estwing camp axe.

    Oh, then there’s the wall dedicated to hammers and chisels.

    Just sayin’… nobody messes with me when I am in my shop!

    (I posted a couple pics from my shop in my Flickr feed if ya wanna see – but only a couple ‘cuz i’m paranoid)


  8. John says:

    Wow… the comments here have digressed at a rapid pace… But seriously, we need some protection!

  9. Vels says:

    The original article led me to sharpening my shingle fro…

  10. Gary says:

    How about a 3″ wide boat builder’s slick? Chisel head is about 3lbs and 14″ long. Handle brings it to about 30″. It would dull quick but that much metal would mess up a few zombies.

    The 1 3/8 skew chisel would work well too.

    I’ve also got an old brush clearing tool in the garage. Kinda looks like a 4′ long hawk bill knife.

    My first choice would be my shotgun though.

  11. Peter says:

    The CDC website is predictably politically correct: no recommendations at all for weaponry.

  12. Larry says:

    I got a JawSaw and I think that would do well. Not sure if you’ve seen the spoof site (of the informercial site). It’s funny. zombie.jawsaw.com. I like the “enjoy being not dead” comment.

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