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Milwaukee’s signing of Cain Velasquez as their trunk-wearing spokesman brings us one step closer to these large tool companies settling things the way the ancient gods of old intended — through gladiatorial combat. That got me to thinking, what this would look like if Cain here was matched against another company like say, Joe-the-Pro from Bosch?

Can strike the head of nail each time without fail. Rated EPSN’s “Most Powerful Striker”
Never misses a chance to pimp those Bosch tools. Never lost a round in mixed martial arts competition.
Joe “knows how to accessorize when it comes to power tools.” Cain knows Jiu-Jitsu and is an NCAA Division I Wrestler.
Joe has built homes, worked as a re-modeler and finish carpenter. Cain pummels people with his bare hands for a living.
Entertained the masses at the Atlanta Woodworking Fair in August. Entertained the masses kicking the crap out of Brock Lesnar for the UFC Heavyweight Championship.

Cain obviously has the advantage as far as raw strength and training, but normally they give the underdogs an edge to make for better sport. I’m willing to bet Joe could hold his own for a while if they gave him a set of shuriken saw blades or a small chainsaw.

The bragging rights alone for these fights would be great for the PR departments to stick on product packaging, too. I can almost visualize the spin now — it would be glorious:

“Are you a sissy? Cain Velasquez proved he wasn’t a sissy when he fed Joe the Pro his own spleen in Toolatorial Kombat IV. Cain uses the new Milwaukee Hammer-Time hammer drill. You should be like Cain Velasquez and use the new Milwaukee Hammer-Time hammer drill because, just like Milwaukee and Cain Velasquez — you’re not a sissy.”

Just saying, it might be a lot more satisfying for them than all the cash they pour down the branding hole on commercials that try to convey the same message without coming out and actually saying it.

Seriously, guys? First it was tattoos, and now you’re buying ass-ads on mixed martial artists. Tough tools. We get it.

Cain Velasquez Sponsorship Press Release [Milwaukee]


13 Responses to Power Tool Kombat — Test Your Might

  1. Steve says:

    Tattoo’s is one thing, but this is a legit sponsorship. If you want to build a brand and young men are your target, then MMA is king. I noticed the ad saturday night. I am a huge MMA fan.

  2. ToolGuyd says:

    While Cain vs. Joe might be a good matchup, I’d much rather see Ridgid’s Calendar Pinup Girls go head to head in a tag team match against Miss Makita & Senorita Makita!!

  3. Dave P says:

    Daaaaayum, ToolGuyd, you might be onto something there. (hrm huh catfight heh hrm hhm.)

  4. Jerry says:

    Moving beyond those pin-up gals – maybe I can’t! Oh wait, I must.
    It would actually be interesting to have the power tool makers bring their complete array of stuff and have competitions among themselves. What company jammed that 18-volt saw through the most boards the fastest – most boards before battery death as well.
    Maybe Ridgid could bring the calendar girls along – they’d likely have the most crowded area.

  5. lowly says:

    But does Joe sport a ‘White Pride’ tatoo?

  6. Hey guys, thanks for the writeup.
    Two quick thoughts:
    1. I don’t always fight fair, and I know where I can get some huge and heavy Speed X bits.
    2. I’ll give $100 of my own money to charity if Velasquez posts here*. Also, I’ve been a fellow toolmonger for years, doesn’t that get me some credit?

    *I’m going to leave it up to Sean and crew to verify by his email somehow.

  7. Sean O'Hara says:

    @Joe “the Pro” Sainz,

    – Don’t fight fair eh? A man after my own heart (Point: Joe)
    – Since you were first to “weigh-in” (and a good sport about it) I’d say that gives you pick of venue and weapons sir (Point: Joe)
    – “been a fellow toolmonger for years, doesn’t that get me some credit?” Yessir it does (3 points: Joe)

    Thus far, you have a commanding lead.

  8. Steve says:

    So this guy is “Joe”? I can see if I can contact someone at AKA to make this guy give up some cash.

  9. Flabbyboohoo says:

    I don’t really get Milwaukee’s thought process, certainly Cain is a meathead and UFC in general is brainless. But I suppose I’m in the minority.

  10. Steve says:

    Its a sport. A test of skills. You dont have to like it, but it’s certainly not brainless.

  11. greg says:

    Looks like someone from milwaukee went on a bender in Vegas!

  12. Jay A says:

    Clearly the only unbiased testing ground here would be to have them both compete in the Irwin Ultimate Tradesman Challenge. But to keep it even and more interesting Cain doesn’t need to saw the wood he can just smash it with his fists.

    …with the Ridgid and Makita girls as the judges.

  13. Liz V says:

    WWW would take a backseat to chain saw versus blood and gore. Calender Guy’s, I kinda like these guys bodies. Lot more satisfying. Sweaty Gladiators Yes!

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