Milwaukee’s signing of Cain Velasquez as their trunk-wearing spokesman brings us one step closer to these large tool companies settling things the way the ancient gods of old intended — through gladiatorial combat. That got me to thinking, what this would look like if Cain here was matched against another company like say, Joe-the-Pro from Bosch?
|Can strike the head of nail each time without fail.||Rated EPSN’s “Most Powerful Striker”|
|Never misses a chance to pimp those Bosch tools.||Never lost a round in mixed martial arts competition.|
|Joe “knows how to accessorize when it comes to power tools.”||Cain knows Jiu-Jitsu and is an NCAA Division I Wrestler.|
|Joe has built homes, worked as a re-modeler and finish carpenter.||Cain pummels people with his bare hands for a living.|
|Entertained the masses at the Atlanta Woodworking Fair in August.||Entertained the masses kicking the crap out of Brock Lesnar for the UFC Heavyweight Championship.|
Cain obviously has the advantage as far as raw strength and training, but normally they give the underdogs an edge to make for better sport. I’m willing to bet Joe could hold his own for a while if they gave him a set of shuriken saw blades or a small chainsaw.
The bragging rights alone for these fights would be great for the PR departments to stick on product packaging, too. I can almost visualize the spin now — it would be glorious:
“Are you a sissy? Cain Velasquez proved he wasn’t a sissy when he fed Joe the Pro his own spleen in Toolatorial Kombat IV. Cain uses the new Milwaukee Hammer-Time hammer drill. You should be like Cain Velasquez and use the new Milwaukee Hammer-Time hammer drill because, just like Milwaukee and Cain Velasquez — you’re not a sissy.”
Just saying, it might be a lot more satisfying for them than all the cash they pour down the branding hole on commercials that try to convey the same message without coming out and actually saying it.
Seriously, guys? First it was tattoos, and now you’re buying ass-ads on mixed martial artists. Tough tools. We get it.
Cain Velasquez Sponsorship Press Release [Milwaukee]