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Have you heard of BlendTec’s (in)famous tests where they blend unusual items to show the strength of their industrial blender’s tines? For shock value, they’ve pureed items like an iPhone, a Guitar Hero controller, a Chuck Norris action figure, and a copy of Halo 3. The idea’s that if the BlendTec can handle this crap, it can certainly churn up a ‘rita or two.

But you’re not chefs. You’re Toolmongers. And no one breaks s#!$ like Toolmongers. So here’s our challenge: If you had a $500 budget, what would you buy/assemble/build to destroy tech items efficiently (and entertainingly) — something that’d make the BlendTec look tame? You know, fill in the blank: “He brought a BlendTec to a (blank) fight.”

Let us know in comments, and just to make it fun, we’ll send a Stanley stud finder to the reader who posts our favorite solution.

PS: Please don’t sue us Mr. Norris. Or BlendTec. Your name and likeness is wholly used here as satire. Really.

Blending S#!$ [BlendTec]


15 Responses to Reader Question: What Breaks S#!$ Better Than The BlendTec?

  1. Two words: Oxyacetylene vortex.

    The other $300, I’d spend on renting a thermal infrared camera to document the hijinks that ensue.

  2. Tom says:

    I was thinking to myself about what would have the “cool” factor and then it came to me: flame thrower.

    Then I looked at the first post and was sad because an oxyacetylene vortex sounds way cooler.

  3. SlowJoeCrow says:

    My standard recommendation for destroying stuff is an SSI industrial shredder http://ssiworld.com/index-en.htm , although AFAIK they haven’t tried to shred a BlendTec yet. Plus SSI is a local company, in Wilsonville OR, one town over from Kershaw

  4. I’m going to have to go with fire, too.

    You can make a lot of thermite for $500.

  5. CyberKender says:

    As cool as the SSI shredder is, it isn’t violent enough. A large wood chipper, the sort that sprays the bits out a pipe, would be more satisfying. Perhaps with a target panel set up to see if any of the bits will stick.

  6. PeterP says:

    I have always liked the solar death ray:

    It does have the minor problem of needing a sunny day, but it is almost certainly the most efficient way to go, from an energy use perspective.

    Also “Solar Death Ray” sounds cooler than BlendTec.

  7. Andy says:

    Definitely the F-14 shredder!
    Oh, darn – $900,000 is a little over the budget here. But a 120,000 lb shredder would be amazing to watch, especially as it engulfs a 40,000 lb plane.
    But the other replies are probably on to something too – since the F-14 landing gear (apparently some titanium alloy) can’t be shredded, it gets torched. So we’re back to fire. That’s cool too!

  8. tmib_seattle says:

    Take the design of this item you listed previously:

    only scale it up… way up.

    Throw a v-6 on that sucker. Maybe even go diesel. Make sure the chamber is big enough (and strong enough) to shred anything you want to throw at it.

  9. eric says:

    A hefty toolbox and $500 of M100’s would do just fine.

  10. Steve says:

    While many here would consider using the mechanical approach, let me remind all that the chemical method can be quite effective.

    Thermite FTW!

    (Bonus, you’d have money left over to fix the damage the thermite did to your driveway/shop floor/buddy’s house)

  11. Frank Townend says:

    Interesting company SlowJoeCrow, thanks for the link. I wonder if the piano might better make an interesting pile of reusable wood, strings, etc. than a pile of splinters.

    As for the contest, I would rather take something apart and reuse it than destroy it; but hell this is about breaking s#!$.

    To that end I would put the $500 toward use of the Large Hadron Collider (the world’s largest and highest-energy particle accelerator, capable of creating black holes) in Bern Switzerland.

    A device capable of triggering one of several theoretical disasters capable of destroying the Earth has got to be able to break s#!$.


  12. Frank Townend says:

    I guess if the Large Hadron Collider isn’t available, or it has destroyed the earth, I am then placing my bets on the SolarDeathRay ( http://www.solardeathray.com/index.html ). If you take a look at the site you can see all sorts of destroyed things. Maybe the best part is any one of us most likely has the ability to make one.

  13. Knife Knut says:

    am somewhat a traditionalist, but my choice would kick that Blender’s Butt! It is a tech item after all:

    The challengers: Hand Forged Gransfors Bruks Tag Team with special guest Generic Rake

    Two-Lugged Beard Axe http://www.gransfors.com/htm_eng/produkter/replikor/p_tvaflikadskaggyxa.html
    36″ Tove wrecking bar


    The Champion: Blendtech Total Blender

    In round one the rake gets chewed up, and is taken away by repairmen for an emergency rehandling. In round two the blender tries to do the same to Two-Lugged, but it tags Tove while there is still a nubbbin of handle left to use. After Total scratches up his paint, Tove puts a choke on Total-Blender; while the ref tries to stop him, he tags the wounded Axe, who smashes in its control face and cuts it’s cord! With Tove back behind the ropes, Bearded then removes Blender’s outside housing skin, and then tags Tove. Tove deals the deathblow to Blender by ripping out its heart, the rotor! After the match, Bearded Axe and Tove Wrecking Bar retire to the workshop for a sharpening and an nice warm oil rubdown.

    Excerpts of the match can be seen at:
    Included are excerpts from other matches Total Blender has won.

  14. Brad Justinen says:

    4 Words

    9 Millimeter Semiautomatic Pistol

  15. Squidwelder says:

    How about something simple? Like a ton of steel. Lift, and let gravity do the rest of the work. Use the rest of the money to buy a slow-motion camera and watch the crunch.

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